Before you begin your Detox you need five things: fruits, vegetables, “Wonder Soup”, a modicum of self-loathing to put yourself through this hell and riot gear for those around you to protect them from your cranky detoxing ass. Wonder Soup is a kind of cabbage soup that you can eat on any day of the Detox. Make sure that you have these five things the day before you start your Detox.
Day One: Fruits
Day one wasn't so bad at first because fruit is at least sweet so it kinda felt like eating dessert all day--at least it did until about 4pm and I realized that fruit isn't that filling and I was fucking starving. I made the mistake of not making the Wonder Soup ahead of time, so I was frantic to make it when I got home from work that evening. I nearly dove into the soup when it was finished.Day Two: Vegetables
Remember that time you got completely shit-faced with your friend, Jewels, on a mixture of grain alcohol and Kool-Aid and how the next morning you felt like you had thrown yourself repeatedly down a flight of stairs? Yeah, that’s what you are going to feel like today. In case you have never overindulged in the noxious substance known as “Smurf”, I’ll break it down for you: you will wake up on Day Two feeling like fucking shit. The Detox has officially begun and you are in withdrawals, girlfriend. The Detox guidelines recommend starting the day with a baked potato and I nearly cried with joy at this happy surprise since I had not thought of tubers as vegetables. (I could blame this ditziness on the effects of the Detox, but honestly that’s about par for me.)Day Three: Fruits and Vegetables
The initial shock to your system has worn off by Day Three, so you only feel like you threw yourself down a flight of stairs one time. It's especially helpful that day three is both fruits and veggies so it almost feels like normal to have a salad and then fruit for dessert.Day Four: Bananas and milk
You can eat up to eight bananas on this day, however this presented a personal challenge for me because I'm allergic to raw bananas. I got around my allergy by baking the bananas for about fifteen minutes and putting some cinnamon on them to chase it. I was more than happy to guzzle down two glasses of milk for breakfast and have three of my bananas. I had three more bananas while at work, and when I got home I really wanted the other two bananas that I was allowed to eat but I avoided them. I don't care that the Detox allows eight bananas because eight just seems to be asking a lot of your intestines. I did slam down my third glass of milk though, so I drank a hell of a lot of liquid this day since the daily eight glasses of water still needed to be consumed.Day Five: Tomatoes and Protein
I had almost skipped this day because the requirements are a piece of protein, like fish or chicken, and six to eight tomatoes--and I fucking hate tomatoes. What changed my mind about skipping this day though was that I woke up the morning of Day Five with horrible cramping in my legs and my back was killing me. I quickly turned to my friend Google and looked up back pain and leg cramps during a detox and the gist of it was that I was in deep detox now meaning that the toxins were in my blood and in the process of being flushed out. Then I remembered that the tomatoes on Day Five were specifically for flushing, so I bit the bullet and ate the damn tomatoes. I also had a piece of salmon and I could almost hear my muscles partying over that bit of protein.Day Six: Protein and Vegetables
This day is the same as Day Five only that you don’t have to restrict yourself to only tomatoes. I had the rest of the salmon from the day before with some steamed spinach and chopped garlic and onions and it was really satisfying. A side not though: remember when suggested riot gear for your loved ones to protect them? When I got home from work on Day Six I discovered that my brother had eaten the strawberries that I had bought to eat on Day Seven, and I flipped the hell out and called him an asshole. And not the half-joking way that siblings usually call each other names, I said it with venom. If I could have mustered the strength I would have kicked his ass.Day Seven: Fruits, Vegetables, Juices
The Detox guidelines state that you can have half a cup of brown rice on this day, though it’s not recommended for weight loss. Since I don’t think that the Detox should be used for weight loss I say eat the friggin’ rice because you deserve it after six days of this shit.The Verdict
The first question I get asked when I say that I did this Detox is if I lost weight, and yes I did, but would the weight stay off? The Detox claims that it will because the Detox boosts your metabolism, so that you will keep this weight off even after you go back to eating regularly. So two months later, did I keep the weight off? Actually I did. Do I attribute this to the supposed metabolism boost though? No. I still give credit to the Detox, but for a different reason. After the Detox, I started eating better because I realized that, after managing to survive on only fruits and vegetables for a week, that many times I ate because I was merely craving food and not really hungry. Chiara explains it brilliantly in The One Phrase That Will Jumpstart Your Weight Loss. The bottom line is that the Detox should not be done as a diet for quick weight loss, but it can be a great experience to get you to examine your eating habits and in turn adopt a healthier lifestyle which will lead to safe and long-term weight loss.The indie chicks
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